Many people don’t believe that I am an introvert. Yes, I quite easily find a common language with strangers and take the initiative in communication. No, I haven’t stopped being an introvert. Yes, interacting with people, I still spend energy, and not restore. But no, I am no longer the girl who spent several days gathering courage to sign up for a manicure.
To be honest, I didn’t even notice how it happened. At some point, people started asking me how to stop being shy. This put me in a stupor. For some reason they thought I knew the answer. Yes, they are about to expose me and understand that I myself am trembling like an aspen leaf… And then I tried to remember when the last time shyness prevented me from doing what I want. And it couldn’t.
Having dig deeper into myself, I came up with several reasons, they are also ways to cope with embarrassment and start acting. Today we will not go into the very nature of embarrassment for long. I think that it is extremely simple: we all want to be loved, and we do not want to be disliked. Uncertainty means the risk of not being accepted. And it’s pretty scary, you must agree. Therefore, it is easier to panic, sweat and stay where you are. Or is it not?
Lack of Time
Reason number one: I don’t have time left for this. For some reason, this magic mantra solves a huge number of problems in life. I have always dreamed of living measuredly, leaving a lot of freedom in every day, laying “air spaces” between things, but it did not help. But the lack of time and a tight schedule squeezed out such reflection as a cork from a champagne bottle.
When there are a lot of tasks, you just do it without thinking too much, because thinking does not fit into the schedule.
Postpone one thing, everything that is further down the list will sprinkle. And even if you put off something that you are embarrassed to do, at this time you at least do something else, and do not sit and scroll in your head scenarios of possible shame even in the most insignificant situations related to contact with people.
After the embarrassment is over, you can relax a little. But until then – only time pressure, only hardcore.
The Desire to See Your Idea Realized
A busy schedule in itself, of course, does not work, because you can always give up on huge to-do lists and the very goal to which they lead. But if the case actually ignites, then the desire to achieve the result turns out to be stronger than the embarrassment.
I felt it very well a little over a year ago. New online course was unexpectedly poorly recruited, despite all predictions, early listings, and requests for a course. Before that, I never asked for re-posts, did not ask for help, and did not advertise. I had to do all this at once, because a lot of effort was invested in the course, and I had to conduct it by all means. The first few messages I wrote for hours, the next went faster, and soon I filled my hand and stopped shaking over each letter. Someone agreed to help me, someone refused, someone ignored, but I did not give up, because the result was too important for me. In the end, everything worked out.
Quantity Turns into Quality
Banal techniques to reinforce any skill through repetition work great with shyness. When we are trying to overcome the constraint, we only need to focus on this one time. Yes, it’s very difficult, but it won’t always be that way. It will be easier next time. And the tenth is much easier. And then you stop thinking about it.
And when you face a new challenge, you will already have the experience of overcoming, and it will be easier for you to take a new difficult step, because you will know: you only need to overcome such a strong resistance once.
Repeatedly I heard from people that in the beginning they were afraid to get in touch with me, hesitated for a long time, but now, finally, they found the strength and did it. Usually, the cutest creatures who offered something especially cool or just turned out to be close in spirit spoke so. Sometimes they were those with whom I myself had long wanted to meet or dreamed of collaborating.
So, I realized that usually thinking, reflecting and doubting people are embarrassed. Their proposals are almost always interesting because they had the time and desire to think through the details and consider the situation from different angles. At the very least, their proposals are as adequate as they are.
People without brakes often suggest nonsense because they don’t have any filter at the end and they don’t bother thinking about the interests of the other side. In communication, such people are often fixated only on themselves and their tasks.
If you are thinking about whether your proposal is relevant for others, whether you can be pleasant and interesting to the new society, believe me, this is a very good sign.
Rejection Is Not A Diagnosis
When we are embarrassed to address strangers in an unpredictable situation, we are afraid not of contact as such, but of possible rejection. If we were sure that everything would go smoothly, would we be shy? But in fact, it is not the refusal as such that is terrible, it is terrible that we will be considered idiots, worthless, ridiculous and inappropriate.
But if our, in principle, a good proposal (see the previous point) is now, for some reason, out of place or at the wrong time, is that so awful? Imagine a beautiful evening dress hanging on a hanger, and you need to go to the bakery for bread. The dress is not to blame and has not ceased to be beautiful. Maybe next time you will put it on, but now there is nothing to smear with butter at home.
Give and Take Are Two Sides of The Coin
I think you’ve often heard that you need to compose your environment from those who are cooler than you. Sounds rather strange and somehow does not take into account the interest of those who are “cooler” in this pair. But you know what, the world is dual. You can’t just take and not give. One cannot only feed and not feed, one cannot only learn and not teach. You can’t just accept help and not help.
Help is just as important to the giver as it is to the recipient. None of us can and should not become the final link in the chain through which experience, knowledge, emotions, energy are transmitted. All this flows through us and seeks a way out.
If for some reason you put yourself lower in a certain hierarchy, if you think that your contact with this or that person is more necessary for you than for him, remember that he also needs it. If at some point you need to accept something from others, do it. And do not forget to give what you have to someone who needs it. Then everything will be fair and honest.
Nobody Has to Be Perfect. You Too
All our fears, which have been discussed a lot above, are associated with the desire to be good for everyone, to be ideal. I’ve written a lot about this before. And today I just want to remind you that our own right to be imperfect, the right to be wrong, comes with the same rights for everyone. As long as we make a lot of claims to others, we will not lag behind ourselves. A little more understanding and acceptance of others, and we immediately become much more loyal to ourselves.
If you read and think: it is easy for you, you are like that, and I am not like that. No, that’s what I am. And a terrible embarrassment spoiled my life for many years. I was an introverted child, I was disliked at school, I always sat at home and studied and actively pretended that I “didn’t feel painful and wanted”. Oh, you should have seen the tricks I went to, just to blame others on the need to make phone calls, negotiate something and generally open my mouth.
I missed a lot in life because of embarrassment. But one day I had a goal that became more important than my fears. I still get confused and have difficulty communicating if the upcoming business is not so important to me. And yet the skill of effective communication is transferred from one area to another, so there is progress there too.
Yes, many people don’t believe that I’m an introvert. The thing is that communication skills are brought up. When life is full of meaning, when you are developing, when you are burning with what you do, and when you are sincerely interested in those around you.