In this article, I will present a short guide for all occasions. From conquer a series of circumstances, fear, stupor and not knowing where to start with DORKY gals.
1. Start by Talking to Yourself
When a conflict is brewing or tension builds up, we feel it, but often we are very afraid of starting an escalation and avoid facing a problem. What exactly do you want to talk about with the subject of internal conflict? What exactly are you ready to say? What is your request and which solutions will suit you? When it started? Is there something that your future interlocutor misunderstood? What would you like to explain? How to explain most effectively? If you don’t have a legend in your head, the conversation is unlikely to lead to the desired result.
2. Admit Your Emotions
Whatever emotions you feel, you will have to admit them. Anger, resentment, fear, even rationally unfounded. This, by the way, is a good start: “I want to talk to you because I am angry” instead of “You are an asshole, and here are ten reasons why”.
3. Know Your Boundaries
Know what boundaries you stand for. You will have to decide for yourself what your interlocutor will be able to do and what not. For example, I let people raise their voices because it’s a way to let off steam, but only until they start accusing me of things that I’m not responsible for, or threaten me in any form.
4. Focus on I-Messages
There is such a cool thing called “I-message”, and without it, I generally do not advise not to sort things out with anyone. When we say “Because of you, I suffer and cry” or “You are a complete asshole” – this is “You are a message.” We were not born yesterday and we know that people generally do not like to negotiate in situations when they are immediately accused. “I’m uncomfortable because in my head the situation unfolds in such and such a way” and “I feel unappreciated, and I would like to talk about it and get your opinion” – these are “I-messages”. This is perhaps the main tool in difficult conversations, it helped me out in almost any situation where it was used.
5. Try to Eliminate Negative Consequences
Supplement to the fourth point. Whenever I have the opportunity, I approach the conversation as a way to solve a general problem. Instead of proving to the interlocutor that it is in him and in his behavior, I start something like this: “It seems to me that we have a problem, and I am sure that everything that you are doing now to solve it has reason and logic. … I would like to know how you think the situation will develop further and what we can do to eliminate negative consequences”.
This is a technique I learned as a manager and apply it in personal situations. “Do you understand what I am talking about?” “Do you know the sensation I’m describing?” “What would you experience in this situation?” These questions are asked without pretense, but with the desire to receive honest answers to them.
7. Express Your Anger in Right Way
Sometimes anger and irritation concentrate inside like water in a rain cloud, and instead of constructive dialogue, we want to scream and break things. Personally, it seems to me the most reasonable to shout and break things, and then move on to solving the problem directly, but many of my friends disagree with this and insist that you can do without broken dishes. Probably you can, but I’m not sure. Claims and dialogue are incompatible, so they need to be separated from each other. In many personal conflicts with people whom I love and who love me, we first shout and do not take prisoners, then we speak.
8. Talk Face to Face
It is advisable to start talking face to face in a neutral environment and when no one has steam from their ears from anger.
9. Try to Understand Opponent
Remember that the same person is at the other end of the maze of misunderstanding. It can be hard and painful for him to hear what you want to tell him; in whatever form you present your thoughts and concerns. You both have the right to end the conversation and come back to it later, the right to feel safe, and the right to be open.
10. Be Prepared to Receive Counter Information
If you want to talk to someone about a problem, only to hear something that will please you, I have bad news. Be prepared to receive counter-information that needs to be considered and responded to accordingly.