Touchiness is one of the destructive human qualities. We often use this tool as a defensive reaction, a way to make the abuser feel guilty or manipulative. We get to know it already in childhood, imitating the reactions of adults. Over time, we begin to unconsciously take offense more and more often. It is impossible to gain control over our own experiences, even when we build a relationship with another person. Behind the constant feeling of resentment in a relationship, there is always a whole range of negative emotions – I will tell you how to deal with them later.
Resentment: What is This Feeling and How Does It Happen?
Touchiness is often a form of unrealized aggression. When you are angry or upset because of someone’s words or actions, but due to certain circumstances cannot give free rein to these emotional outbursts, a block is triggered inside that turns the unexpressed into a crushing sediment.
Vulnerability is a consequence of self-doubt. If you are firmly confident in your thoughts, words, actions, know how to properly work with criticism and not take subjective assessments to heart, you know about your strengths and weaknesses and work with them, any attempts to hook you will not be taken seriously.
Another option for what hides behind the resentment is unjustified expectations. This is often seen in relationships when we expect one thing from a partner and get something completely different. At the same time, we do not voice or discuss our true desires in time.
The danger of these feelings lies in the fact that they are able to firmly and permanently gain a foothold within us. The accumulated, unclosed experiences due to trifles, in the end, can result in much greater negative, and it will be simply impossible to stop this destructive force.
Main Reasons of Resentment
It makes people too high demands that they do not meet. Such offenders have poorly developed empathy, they do not try to take the place of another person, to understand what motives he is following and what he is experiencing. His interlocutor simply has no right to make a mistake, so it is perceived as a disaster.
Is in the state of a child or a victim, feels weak, does not see ways to influence the situation. This is a very convenient model of behavior, which involves completely relinquishing responsibility and shifting the blame onto someone else. Admitting your mistake is much more difficult than blaming your neighbor for everything.
It so often happens that a person has been rejected so often that he forgot how to ask for help or talk about his desires, although they do not disappear anywhere, but turn into silent expectations. Such people try to cope with everything on their own, but on a subconscious level they expect someone to take the initiative and support them. To voice that they need help is to demonstrate their own weakness and dependence. Quiet, unspoken demands and reproaches turn into an unfounded insult: what to do with it is not easy to figure out.
Sensitivity is a dangerous trait. It is always associated with certain illusions that arise in our heads: our feelings are not taken into account, they do not think about us, they treat us cruelly. We tend to think out for others based on our own experience.
Meeting a person, starting to build a relationship with him, we create in our imagination a stunning picture of a joint future. The girls are waiting for flowers, romance and attention, and in response they hear: “In my opinion, this is nonsense and a stupid waste of money.” How so? Doesn’t he want to make me happy?
The Roots of Human Resentment in Psychology
Vulnerability is a consequence of deep mental trauma. This behavior is characteristic of the owners of an inferiority complex, self-doubt, low self-esteem and inability to take responsibility. Needless to say, all this greatly interferes with the development of harmonious relationships.
Touchy people are constantly waiting for help, make them happier, do what they see fit and right, and worry a lot if someone does not fit into the framework of what they want. But is your emotional state, happiness and comfort the responsibility of another person?
Do I Have to Fight This?
You decide. Remember that innuendo and unhealed wounds make it difficult to perceive the words of others constructively, hamper the ability to love. If you don’t learn to manage your emotions, they will take over. Consider how long a loved one will be able to tolerate the constant guilt that you impose on him.
Why There is Resentment towards Loved Ones?
Have you noticed that the rudeness thrown by strangers is not taken as seriously as if the same is said by the one to whom we are not indifferent? To those who become the object of our emotional attachment, we make great demands, subconsciously believing that they should guess our desires and fulfill them.
The Consequences of Vulnerability
In addition to frequent conflicts, quarrels that lead to a break in relationships, offended people subject their bodies to constant stress. Nobody canceled psychosomatics, therefore any negative that we accumulate inside can ultimately result in the development of serious diseases. Unwilling or unable to forgive, we preoccupy our thoughts with self-pity, accusations, and anger. Definitely, it interferes with the enjoyment of life, forms a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction, becomes the cause of irritability and nervousness.
How to Learn Not to Be Offended by Loved Ones?
The first thing to do when feeling this emotion is to become aware of it. The only way to understand and correct the situation is to accept and articulate what is bothering you. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the one who hurt you. Did he really want it? Is he aware of what has been said or done? Often we think out and take too close to our hearts that which in fact has no direct relation to us. Perhaps your husband responded sharply to you because he is in a bad mood because of problems at work. Everyone has different values, priorities and pictures of the world.
Remember that you yourself are tired, sleepy, forgetful and inattentive – anything can happen in your head and in life. And you are not always ready to consciously control your state, reaction and behavior.
Learn to catch yourself in the moment of approaching negative emotions and ask the alleged abuser clarifying questions. Understand if he really wanted to hurt you, or if you are just drawing unfounded conclusions about his words.
Understand – Why You are Offended by Everything and How to Prevent This?
Increase your emotional intelligence and awareness. Try starting a mood diary, stopping occasionally and noticing:
- How are you feeling now?
- Why did this feeling arise?
Write down the answers to these questions, and thus collect the moments that affect your condition.
1. See Life in A Positive Way
Cultivate positive thinking, learn to have fun and translate into a joke any conscious and unconscious attempts to offend you. Keep it simple and let people make mistakes. Farewell. You will see – life will become much more pleasant.
How not to pay attention to trifles and not look for reasons for grudges in life: value your time
Taking offense means spending a lot of nerves and energy on fruitless thoughts, self-pity. Let your mind be occupied with more important things: good work, the desire to have a good time with your loved one, a hobby. If you find a free moment to get angry and offended, then you can find a place in the schedule for creation.
2. Go For Sports
Switch your head from negativity to internal and external transformations. Physical activity fills the body with vigor, improves mood and helps free the mind from unnecessary thoughts.
3. Read Books
Enrich your inner world. Touchiness, from the point of view of my psychology, is a trait of insecure people who often feel resentment, including themselves. To develop confidence, you need to constantly grow above yourself, develop, expand the boundaries of the worldview.
4. Correct Society
Pay attention to those with whom you most often communicate. How do these people influence you? Do you benefit from this communication? Minimize contact with those who are often offended, judgmental of others. Consider how you can expand your environment by filling your space with successful, positive, developing people.
How to Get Rid of Resentment and Not be Touchy?
Here are some recommendations to deal with resentment, follow these and get rid of resentment by using these easy tips.
Talk About What Bothers You, Do not Remain Silent
Do not postpone solving the problem for later. An opportunity may not be presented, and negative emotions are layered like a snowball. At the same time, when speaking about your feelings, be delicate, not demanding, so as not to allow a scandal to arise.
Explain to your loved one exactly what caused your frustration or anger. Forever forget that he has to guess everything himself. His world does not revolve around you – accept this fact and realize your man as a separate person with your “cockroaches”.
Finding common ground can be difficult at first, but this is the essence of building relationships. Over time, you will see that you can stop many conflicts from arising with a simple conversation that starts on time.
Don’t Argue, But Look for A Common Solution
Often a woman does not understand how to cope with resentment and anger at her husband, because he is principled and does not share her opinion. Men tend to want to prove their innocence at all costs, even if they changed their position during the dispute. Don’t get emotional. Calmly explain to your opponent that you do not want to swear, and the purpose of this conversation is to come to a compromise. Be sure to let him know that you hear and accept his point of view.
Establish Communication Rules
If you are offended by your spouse’s rude behavior, do not seek to redo it, but together agree on certain boundaries. Surely, he also has something to “show” to you. Promise that you will take a step towards him and work on your resentment, offer to leave work outside the house (if the reason for his bad mood lies in this). Discuss general norms in different areas of life. After that, you no longer have to explain to your husband what offended you – just remind you of the contract.
Forgive Old Grudges
Organize an evening where you carefully discuss everything that has accumulated inside. It is important to initially set the correct vector for the development of the conversation, to set the man up for the fact that you came in peace. Do not blame in any way. Tell us how you feel, and ask if he had the same feeling? Perhaps you too stumbled once?
Find a Reciprocal Way to Let Off Steam
Come up with a kind of ritual that will help you not to keep the annoyance inside. Make a whipping pillow, close up and yell in the room – it can be anything (depending on the nature and temperament of your relationship). By getting rid of unnecessary emotions, it will be easier for you to conduct a constructive dialogue.
How to Deal with Intense Resentment and Betrayal of a Man?
Each person has something that he cannot forgive. For example, treason, deception. It is important to outline these boundaries already at the initial stage of building relationships in order to avoid misunderstandings and the formation of tacit expectations in the future.
10 Tips from psychologist V. Pathak to get rid of resentment:
- Never make major decisions while in this state.
- First, answer yourself: what exactly offended you, why it could have happened and why you are unable to react otherwise. Only then tell the abuser about your feelings.
- To remove the first emotions, take any object that will personify the person who offended you, and express everything that boils.
- If it’s too difficult to discuss a problem, write a letter. It is not necessary to show it to the addressee afterwards – boldly pour everything that worries on paper.
- Use the self-model in dialogue. Instead of the accusatory “You hit me!” say “I am very upset about your words / actions.” The accused will always defend himself, and in the second case, you simply offer to listen to you.
- Try to put yourself in the shoes of the abuser. Think about what could have moved him. Perhaps he is also on emotions, and now you should not take his remarks seriously?
- Express your gratitude to the person you are offended with. He opened before you a large area of growth and work on yourself.
- Don’t berate yourself for being hurt. They are common to everyone.
- Realize and accept that no one should live up to your expectations.
- Build your self-esteem. Self-confident people do not accept negativity and know how to filter out valuable and unworthy information.
You may also like to read: 12 Tips to Help You to Have A More Harmonious Relationship.
Let me summarize a little. What to do if you suddenly feel that you are offended:
- Get to the bottom of the true emotions that you are experiencing (what is it – sadness, anger, disappointment?
- Understand if your feelings are related to the fact that internally you agree with the abuser, but do not want to accept it.
- In no case do not accumulate negativity in yourself – solve problems quickly and set boundaries in communication.
- Don’t make the person feel guilty, but carefully point out the mistake.
If you do not understand how to deal with resentment against your husband, get rid of it and vulnerability, overcome resentment with the help of psychology and stop resenting everyone, sign up for my consultation and get answers to painful questions. Together we will find the true causes of the problem and make a plan to solve it. Goodbye and breathe deeply!